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Labels: RA. Wednesday, August 19, After days of my thoughts pounding away at a million miles, after so many tears I could fill a dam and unrelenting confussion I am at last calm and at peace with myself and the choices that I have at last made.

I have decided that if this is to work then I must put any thought that it will not out of my mind. If I keep thinking it will not work then the energy I will have put into that thought will make it happen.

In this world we manifest the things we put the most energy into so if I want this to work I must focus only on that and use my energy to create that which I desire.

I am not quite ready to accept his collar once more but I have put my engagement ring back on and to be honest wearing it feels right.

Thursday, August 13, Thought for the day. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Labels: quotes. Chains of misery. Before I sat down in front of the computer to type this blog entry I had a whole entry going around and around in my head yet now that I am here the words seem to have vanished.

I am not coping well at all with things the way they currently are. Nothing here feels right everything is wrong and sometimes I don't know how I am going to keep going forward.

I feel as though the world has been ripped out from under my feet and I'm falling without anything around to catch me.

The structures that would usualy catch my fall are no longer part of my life that feels as though it is spiraling out of control.

My relationship with Aj started as that of Master and slave, yes there was a deep friendship underneath it but we were never just boyfriend and girlfriend.

As the relatinship progressed we became more then Master and slave to one another but that was always the foundations of our relationship and that made me happier and more at peace with myself then I had been in a long long time.

So what do I do now that my life is purely and only vanilla? I am a slave at the core of my being this is who I am and when that slave is released to be who she is, to serve her Master and to belong to her Master she flourishes but who I am when i deny that side of me is nothing more then a lie.

In slavery and service I find freedom unknown in any other area of my life, in the chains of protocols, rules and rituals I am free to fly as high as I can go.

For me being a slave is being free. Without that structure, without those rules and protocols I am chained tighter then tightest bond ever placed on me by another.

Without a master to serve and to belong too I am caged. When I am in essence a free woman I am nothing but bound and caged to a life that i don't wish to lead.

How can the distance between us ever really be closed when the times I feel closest to him are the times that rules and protocols are at their strictest or when I am placing my physical safety in his hands and allowing him to do what he wishes with me?

How can we ever get things back on track when we are ignoring what the core of our relationship is? I don't know if we can. It is a catch 22 situation.

How do I find a way for the trust and closeness to come back? Do i just ignore all the issues and say lets go again, let me be yours again and fake it until we make it?

I know thats not a healthy way to do things but my heart is yearning to be owned, my spirit crying to be released to fly in the bonds of slavery.

I just want to be free to be me again. I am hopeless the way things stand and so very lost. The hardest times of day are the times he has just gotten home from work, meal time and bedtime.

It doesn't feel right not kneeling to greet him, I can't bring myself to eat without his permission or at least waiting until he begins and when I go to bed at night without our nightly ritual I cry.

I can't touch myself without feeling guilty. I woke up this morning aftera rather erotic dream and feeling antsy I pulled out my buzzy but I couldn't do it.

I felt the pressure growing at the base of my spine and spreading through me but jsut as i was at the point of releasing it I lost it and the feelings went away.

Without hearing him telling me it is okay to play, to cum for him I can not do it. I have never before been in a situation where the rules and protocols have become so much a part of me that I just can't seem to switch them off.

Right now i just want my life to be normal again, I want the structure, the rules the protocol back, I want the security of knowing that I belong to someone back but I don't know if we will ever get back to that.

Right now i am in control of this relationship, i hold all the cards, how will that ever change when the memories of what has gone wrong will never go away?

How can I give myself to him again when I will always be wondering if his words are the truth? Tuesday, August 11, The world comes crashing down.

How can i go from being so happy one week to feeling as though the world is falling down around me the next? I thought we understood each other at last, thought that things were getting to be just where we wanted them to be and I was happy, the world made sense and I had hope for the future.

Now that hope is gone, now that happiness is so far away I wonder if i will ever even feel okay again. A week ago we were finding out that we were having a little boy and we were over the moon about it.

A week ago i knew where life was taking us, a week ago i felt so close to him and so loved and now I feel alone. I have been living a vanilla life for a little over 24 hours and I am hating it.

Nothing makes sense in my world, I am in a position where I hold all the cards when I am the one in control and I hate it.

I am not coping and while I know I can function in a vanilla life I am not happy here. Once he got home yesterday I barely ate or drank anything because while I know we are only vanilla a little voice in my head was telling me I had to ask before I could eat or drink.

When I went to bed last night I felt so lost without our nightly bedtime ritual. And would her sexy older brother be the beneficiary?

Words: 13, Charlie Griffin had sworn to save himself for marriage. When he met hot, sexy Elena Rodriguez, he thought his prayers had been answered.

But then Elena is cruelly taken away from him on their wedding night. Succumbing to despair, Charlie sinks into depression.

But Jasmine, Elena's daughter, won't let him throw his life away. She will do anything to claim the love of "My Virgin Daddy.

Words: 14, Cherry likes to tease. Nothing makes her more excited than leading men on, then dropping them before they can go too far.

But a long weekend with family provides unforeseen temptations. And her hot cousin Sam is not one to take her teasing ways lying down. Unless he's lying down with her!

Because Sam has a dominant side. And he's dedicated the weekend to…Popping Cherry! Words: 11, Following her mother's death, Kathryn Sparks took care of her grief-stricken father.

But an unexpected encounter led her to contemplate the unthinkable. Now the two are caught in a vortex of passion.

Will she realize her darkest, most forbidden dreams after the "Daddy-Daughter Dance? One year ago, Karen Underwood succumbed to temptation.

The result was a wild night of mind-blowing sex. The only problem was that it was with her son! Now Karen's getting married, and her hunky son Sam is back.

He's made it clear he doesn't approve of her husband-to-be. When Sam returns, the sparks of passion reignite. Will Karen be able to resist?

Nothing is certain on Mom's Wedding Day! Words: , Words: 16, When Patrick's stepmother called him, asking him to live with her and help her deal with the stalker who was harassing her, he agreed immediately.

Now Patrick and Nicole are caught in an ever-growing spiral of passion as old memories give way to fresh desires.

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Ten spicy stories of families that can't keep their bodies or their libidos under control! Fall in love as you read tales of horny mothers, kissing cousins, naughty twins, sexy daughters, and fathers and sons who will do ANYTHING to keep the women of the house happy!

Words: 12, Language: English. Polly Peverly was an ice queen. But a visit to an adult boutique threatened to upend her entire life.

Could a foray into roleplay dissolve the shackles on her sexual desire? And would her sexy older brother be the beneficiary?

Words: 13, Charlie Griffin had sworn to save himself for marriage. When he met hot, sexy Elena Rodriguez, he thought his prayers had been answered.

But then Elena is cruelly taken away from him on their wedding night. Succumbing to despair, Charlie sinks into depression. But Jasmine, Elena's daughter, won't let him throw his life away.

She will do anything to claim the love of "My Virgin Daddy. Words: 14, Cherry likes to tease. Nothing makes her more excited than leading men on, then dropping them before they can go too far.

But a long weekend with family provides unforeseen temptations. And her hot cousin Sam is not one to take her teasing ways lying down.

Unless he's lying down with her! Because Sam has a dominant side. And he's dedicated the weekend to…Popping Cherry! Words: 11, Following her mother's death, Kathryn Sparks took care of her grief-stricken father.

But an unexpected encounter led her to contemplate the unthinkable. Now the two are caught in a vortex of passion. Will she realize her darkest, most forbidden dreams after the "Daddy-Daughter Dance?

One year ago, Karen Underwood succumbed to temptation. The result was a wild night of mind-blowing sex. The only problem was that it was with her son!

Now Karen's getting married, and her hunky son Sam is back. He's made it clear he doesn't approve of her husband-to-be. Releases - Twisted Passions.

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